Let Them
By Ali Lalieu
January 2025
Like many others, my latest book read has been THE LET THEM THEORY by Mel Robbins.
I first heard about the book when one of my daughters read it and said it had ‘changed her life and perspective’, so I grabbed a copy at the Brisbane airport en route to Bali, and yes I finished reading it on the flight.
I couldn’t put it down!
The book is a treasure chest of wisdom, capturing the essence of the practice of emotional intelligence in a few words:
LET THEM + LET ME
Chapter one starts with these words “If you’re struggling to change your life, achieve your goals, or feel happier, I want you to hear this: The problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to others.”
The Let Them Theory will free you from the emotional burden of trying to manage other people – change them, control them, stress over what they’ll think of your decisions and your choices.
Imagine all the energy saved and mental bandwidth gained when you can master this simple theory.
The more you let other people live their lives, the better your own life will feel.
The Let Them theory doesn’t make you more judgemental, it makes you more compassionate.
Rather than getting frustrated, you start to appreciate that most people are doing the best they can, so you bring a more generous mindset to the thoughts, words and actions of others.
Mel Robbins reminds us that we all have moments where we try to control the world around us, especially when we feel hurt, left out, annoyed or afraid. The urge to control is ancestral and primal.
We believe that by controlling something, we will feel better, but the truth is that trying to control people and situations in our life actually amplifies our fears, leaving us more anxious and stressed.
Here are some examples of how ‘Let Them’ works:
You arrive at work and a team member is in a foul mood- ‘Let Them’
Your family member doesn’t agree with your choice for tertiary education – ‘Let Them’
You haven’t been invited to a social gathering you wanted to attend – ‘Let Them’
Your mother- in- law doesn’t approve of the way you dress – “Let Them”
A friend is ghosting you and giving you the silent treatment – “Let Them”
From a neuroscience perspective, the Let Them Theory provides a sigh of relief for your tired, stressed- out brain.
It helps you take back your own power, the power of choice, to LET ME ~ to decide how you want to respond in any situation (rather than to react).
In Mel’s words “When you’re an adult, your life, happiness, health, social life, friendships, boundaries, needs, and success are all your responsibility. If you’ve been secretly hoping someone else would come and rescue you, pay your bills, create a social life, heal your wounds, change into your dream partner, and motivate you to be your best…it’s not going to happen. No one is coming. And any time you spend blaming other people, or waiting for permission or an invitation, is wasted. Those days are over. Your LET ME era is here”.
LET ME invites self-compassion and generosity into your days.
It creates space for renewal.
It simplifies and brings relief.
As Viktor Frankl, famous Auswitch survivor, so famously said: ‘Between stimulus and response there is a pause. And in that pause lies choice and your freedom’.
May your days be filled with more LET THEM and LET ME!
Cheers Ali xo