Shame Shields
By Ali Lalieu
December 2024
Shame is an unspoken epidemic, the secret behind many forms of broken and toxic behaviours.
We feel the impact of shame in our homes, our families, our workplaces and our communities.
Dr Brené Brown, whose TED talk on vulnerability became a viral hit, explores what can happen when people confront their shame head-on.
She never imagined so many people would watch her talk ~ it touched a nerve in millions around the world, all connecting with this universal, common emotional experience of vulnerability.
We all feel shame, that voice in our head that challenges our very sense of self-worth. It drives two stories, ‘who do I think you are…’ and ‘you’re just not good enough…’.
It is so damaging to our hearts, minds and relationships, and touches all corners of our lives. Thriving on secrecy, shame lurks ~ it hates having words wrapped around it, and being spoken out loud.
Shame acts like a vice in our lives, and fuels disconnection from ourselves, from our loved ones, and from our tribes and communities.
It’s a painful emotion, and we all go to great lengths to protect ourselves, engaging in defensive behaviours to manage the discomfort, hurt, and anxiety.
In her research, and backed up by the research of Dr Linda Hartling, Brené Brown has identified three main types of “shame shields” that people commonly use to protect themselves from feelings of shame:
Moving away, moving toward, and moving against.
Brené Brown encourages us to better understand these three shame shields, and with conscious awareness, to be more courageous in challenging shielding patterns that are no longer serving us, or our relationships:
Moving Away: Withdrawing and Hiding – This shield involves retreating from connection, staying silent, or withdrawing from situations where we feel vulnerable. People who “move away” often isolate themselves to prevent others from seeing their shame or perceived lack of worthiness.
Moving Toward: People-Pleasing – This shield involves trying to appease others, conform, or please them to avoid feeling shame. People who use this shield attempt to make others happy to gain approval and protect themselves from rejection or criticism.
Moving Against: Fighting Shame with Anger or Aggression – Some people respond to shame by becoming aggressive or critical toward others, attacking or shaming and blaming others to gain control and deflect shame outward.
Shame shields keep us disconnected ~ they prevent us from being fully seen or reaching our potential. They block vulnerability, which is the birthplace of love, joy, belonging, connection and creativity.
Shame shields develop early in life – We start developing these strategies early in childhood as responses to experiences of shame, rejection or criticism; and over time, they become sub-conscious automatic coping mechanisms.
Shame shields prevent personal growth – They keep us stuck, preventing us from experiencing and growing through vulnerability. They limit resilience and reinforce fear.
Overcoming shame requires deepening your personal awareness – Becoming aware of our own shame shields is a vital first step. When we can recognize how we use these shields, we’re able to break patterns that are fuelling disconnection in our life.
It’s reassuring to know there is an antidote.
Vulnerability is the antidote to shame – Letting go of shame shields requires courage and vulnerability. By allowing ourselves to be seen and heard, even in moments of shame, we can build resilience and foster deeper, more fulfilling connections with others.
Dr Kristin Neff has extensively researched self-compassion and the way that it helps us to navigate shame in our life.
When we can be kinder to ourselves, bring shame out into the open through speaking about it, it loses its grip.
Our sense of self worthiness starts to seed, and to thrive, and we start feeling shifts in our relationships, toward more authentic and deeper non-judgemental, empathic connection.
Leading more wholehearted lives supports us to unlock our potential with the ancient code of togetherness, Whakapapa.
We are all part of an unbroken chain, those before us and those after us, with the sun shining on us in this moment. (Belonging ~ Owen Eastwood)
As the sun shines on you in this moment, what will your call to courage be as you lean into living in ways that lay the foundation for wholehearted living for all who will follow you in future generations?
Cheers Ali xo